When it happens maybe I will know. Heck, maybe I will be the first to know. Like I’m the first one to know that my coffee is done in the morning because I am the one who made it and I am the one who is waiting for it and I am the only one here.
Maybe one day we all wake up and instantly know what is going on in our lives. I bet there are many out there who go from day-to-day thinking that they know what’s going on in their lives but they don’t know whats really going on and so they make decisions based on what they think is going on and that leads them down a path that is not the right path for their life but they don’t realize it til they get to where they thought they were going and realize they are in the wrong place.
It would be nice to know if the path that we were choosing was the path that we are supposed to take.
Maybe we take the comfortable paths. Some, I would assume, take the path less chosen that is full of stickers or weeds or not very pretty because they know it will eventually lead them in the direction they want to go.
It is interesting. Some people seem to have to go the long way to get somewhere and others can take the shortcuts and successfully arrive. I don’t know what it is that makes that happen for each one.
Maybe it’s a perspective thing. Maybe the person who is doing things the easy way or shortcut thinks that it’s the long way. It’s possible I guess.
And maybe some just stumble onto a road and like the way it looks and so they just randomly follow it and end up in a place that just wow’s them.
Well I don’t know about this whole thing. Just rethinking life and everything. Not sure what I want to do. I do know I am not happy. I think that if you aren’t happy then you are in charge of changing that until you get happy. Just don’t know how to do that anymore.
I stopped doing everything that I liked to do. And now I can’t get myself to want to do any of those things anymore. I stopped talking to people. I only talk to people when they want or need something. And really I hate living by emotions – but when you feel so bad that you can’t do anything different then how do you not live by emotions?
I am lonely. But yet being around anyone angers me. And really I don’t think anyone even cares. If they don’t need or want something from me then I don’t hear from anyone. How does this help to make anyone feel like they are valuable? And yeah I get it – it’s not anyone else’s responsibility of how I feel and think about myself. I think it makes me mad because I know that I am valuable and worthy of friendship but didn’t realize I had friends that actually don’t care that I feel this way. I don’t think friendship should be about whether or not it’s someone else’s responsibility to lift up another. I always felt that friends helped each other and took the time to say “I care” so for me to find myself with people that don’t feel like they should reach out now and then really hurts. I think it hurts more that I thought they cared and obviously was a bad judge of character.
We surround ourselves by people we respect. I don’t know who changed – me or them. I would first look to myself probably. Did I change so much that I actually can’t respect someone that isn’t caring? That isn’t real? I thought that these people were real but obviously I was wrong.
And I think that the demands of the past 5-6 years have been so much that it has changed me for the worse and for the better. I value very small things now – very small details matter to me. And to others – they see it all as no big deal.
I think that’s probably what has changed and has depressed me because now when I need people – no one is there. And I am alone. The one thing worse than being alone? Is having people around you and yet feeling as though there is no one.
Definitely not going to do the same thing again cause it’s not getting any different results. There’s no point in going in circles waiting to see something different, waiting on something new to be in the picture. If you do something over and over again and the results never change, you are wasting your time and being an idiot.
Of course, in this line of thinking there is a risk of becoming indifferent to results and indifferent to anything that happens and I don’t want to do that either. I have come to far in life to turn that way.
Above all else, I will be extremely vague in a social setting such as this but yet blunt on a true one-on-one basis. It’s not that the vagueness is not truthful, but a protective barrier that allows me to vent and yet keeps details out of public.
It will either work or it won’t. It’s a life motto I have come to think about. Try your hardest but understand that it will either work or it won’t. No need to freak out about it or try to make it happen. It either will or won’t. Plain and simple. Maybe it’s a bit of an assholish approach to things but I tend to think it’s more along the lines of someone who is both pessimistic and realistic.
It’s not that I do not expect good things and strive for them. It’s that I am comfortable enough to understand that what is going to happen is going to happen. Somethings you can’t change and some you can. A lot of times an outcome can change on a whim by a word or a single action. And that is hard to know in advance what that might be because people are different. People read things and understand things differently.
And that is what trusting the gut is for. Because if the gut tells you that something is not right, it’s usually because something is not right. If it tells you that something is off, usually it is. Those red flags of life. Sometimes though paranoia can self-sabotage everything.
Tricky life. And maybe somehow I lost the ability to believe. Not sure.
So it will either work out or it won’t.
I promise I am not going to love you. Not even when you look at me with those soft brown eyes and that tender smile. Not even when you make sure I have coffee before I head off to work.
I won’t love you when you touch me the way that you do. Or when you bring me close and just linger there. Or when you whisper to me sweet things. I won’t.
I won’t love you when you encourage me to be healthy and eat. Or when you help me figure something out that I have struggled with. It’s not going to happen.
I won’t love you when you rush to see me so happily and kiss me on the cheek and then run away. Even though it’s cute and makes me laugh, I won’t fall for it.
I won’t love you when you teach me to think outside of myself. When you bring me to a point that I can view things differently and I learn something from it. Forget about it.
I won’t love you when you make me want to scream at you. Even if I realize that you are right. I can’t do it.
I won’t love you when you are sleeping and you just touch me for a minute, patting me softly to let me know you are there before you roll over. This can’t be real.
I won’t love you when I wake up next to you and watch you sleep peacefully. Or when I listen to you breathing softly and deeply and so relaxed.
I promise I won’t. It’s not going to happen. I won’t fall for it. Forget about it. This can’t be real.
Shit. Maybe it already happened.
Another broken promise.
Sometimes I think about him. When I’m doing art that we used to do together. Or when I’m taking a walk in the woods that we used to explore together. Or when I see a commercial that would make him shake his head. Or when I’m camping. Or when I’m driving. Or when I’m drinking coffee on the porch. Or when I’m eating hot salsa. Or when I pop popcorn. Or when I watch Discovery channel. Or when I garden. Or when I shower. Or when I lay down to sleep. Or when I wake up.
It’s only sometimes.
I will never be someone I am not. No matter whether I try to. I will always be the girl that
sees the good and beauty in everyone. Even the flaws. I will always be the girl who sees people as people. With compassion and love. I will always be the honest, loving, sometimes ornery one who can turn any situation into something to learn from.
I will never be one to take revenge even if someone hurts me badly. I will love them even through it all. That doesn’t mean that I won’t cry. It doesn’t mean that part of me won’t be broken.
It just means that I can love. It means that I have learned to put others before myself.
It means that I can see that though someone hurts me, rejects me, or wants to make me miserable – that I can see past that. It doesn’t mean that I will stand and allow it to continue. It means that I can forgive. It doesn’t mean that I invite it to my life. It means that I allow others to be themselves – including being ugly.
We all have an ugly part. We choose whether or not people see it. We hide behind our fake smiles. Or we isolate and keep it a secret.
But we can never be who we are not. We can only be who we are. We can only embrace ourselves as who we are and eventually, hopefully, come out on the other side having learned something from it.
the manifestation of beauty rests in
search deeply inside
don’t run from the encounters
the mess that is that was and will be
whether or not you try to change it.
oblivious like dementia
where did everything go?
did it happen or was it just a dream
made up in order to make it through
unanswered as always
time is never still
and everything that was will never be
anything like it was.