poetry · writing

Heartbeat of God

Feeling your heartbeat next to mine
Knowing we have shared a moment in time
That was timeless, without limit, unconstrained
Knowing that our heart has communed with His
That three have indeed become one…
It shuts me down – yet it awakens me still,
To ideas that I've never grasped, yet have embraced…
It's so connecting that it disconnects me
And then I understand His love a little more.
And how much more I long to understand
How much more will I push on searching,
Because I know with each search I will find
And as I go – sweet communion is experienced deeper still,
Beyond anything I could think or imagine…
All because of
 
                       a heartbeat felt,
                                         A heartbeat heard,
                                                                And a heartbeat seen…
They are three.
Separate.
Yet they beat as One.
 
Just as the Father, Holy Spirit and Son.
writing

The Parable of the Wheat and the Tares

24 Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field; 25 but while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way. 26 But when the grain had sprouted and produced a crop, then the tares also appeared. 27 So the servants of the owner came and said to him, ‘Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have tares?’ 28 He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ The servants said to him, ‘Do you want us then to go and gather them up?’ 29 But he said, ‘No, lest while you gather up the tares you also uproot the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest and at the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, “First gather together the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them, but gather the wheat into my barn.” ’

So this world that we are planted in is the wheat and tares. We are meant to live together in the fields. Do the tares mess up the wheat’s growth? Can they choke out the wheat?

Can there be “tares” planted in our “wheat” field if we are talking about our wheat field being our minds? Would it be the same thing or something different? I am guessing that it could be thought of this way really. Because if your thoughts are pure and then other thoughts are planted there by ways of the world, then it can choke out the ability to grow, I would tend to think.

When I look into further what a “tare” is, I learned that it commonly grows in fields with grains. I guess it looks similar to the wheat but in this case scholars say it refers to something called a “darnel” which is a poisonous week that looks a lot like wheat. So naturally when it is growing next to the wheat you can’t really tell if it is or not until it’s time to harvest the wheat, then it becomes apparent which is which.

So really, if we are all planted in a field (which is the world) and we are planted with the tares then naturally, we can’t tell what is what until harvest time. I reckon it really boils down to letting God decide who is his and who isn’t. Really we aren’t fully equipped to read the hearts and minds of others. This is where it is important to just be a good shepherd and be vigilant and teach truth with gentleness.

It won’t do any good to be impatient go out into the field and try to weed out all the bad stuff cause it can tear up the good stuff along with it. If those workers that went back to the owner of the field decided to do it on their own and pull out the tares because they didn’t want them there, what kind of damage and mess would have been done to the crops?

I suppose that it would mess up the other crops for bearing fruit and coming to full maturity.

After thinking about this a while, I suppose the conclusion I make is that I don’t want to be a “tare” and impersonate the real thing. Do you? Which are you?

Just something to think about.

Photography · writing

Gratitude

Little Things....
A small flower can bring a big smile if you look at it the right way.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:15

I am thankful for little things like lamps and light switches, cool summer mornings with bare toes wet with dew, waking up with small kisses and cute hello’s, car rides that last longer than intended just to get away and feel the breeze and a little normal again. These make me smile deep inside and make me feel safe and I am so glad to be able to enjoy them.

I really like time out in the garden. Whether it is to water, or just to sit, or to weed or whatever, it doesn’t matter. I like that we created something together that was just a piece of land to begin with. Going from “yard area” to garden-bed is magnificent. There’s something about getting in the dirt and creating life from it and nurturing it and watching the fruit of it come forth. And doing it with someone else that loves it just as much as I do feels really good. Coffee in the garden in the morning is a beautiful thing. I like days that are full of comfort and sunshine and just being. I am thankful for these things.

I also really like pillows and comfy things, without them life would really burn my tail.  Ha. I am thankful God gave me a sense of humor so that I can laugh with myself.

I am thankful for moments to pause and reflect.

Selah.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is purewhatever is lovelywhatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

writing

paths….

When it happens maybe I will know. Heck, maybe I will be the first to know. Like I’m the first one  to know that my coffee is done in the morning because I am the one who made it and I am the one who is waiting for it and I am the only one here.

Maybe one day we all wake up and instantly know what is going on in our lives. I bet there are many out there who go from day-to-day thinking that they know what’s going on in their lives but they don’t know whats really going on and so they make decisions based on what they think is going on and that leads them down a path that is not the right path for their life but they don’t realize it til they get to where they thought they were going and realize they are in the wrong place.

It would be nice to know if the path that we were choosing was the path that we are supposed to take.

Maybe we take the comfortable paths. Some, I would assume, take the path less chosen that is full of stickers or weeds or not very pretty because they know it will eventually lead them in the direction they want to go.

It is interesting.

Some people seem to have to go the long way to get somewhere and others can take the shortcuts and successfully arrive. I don’t know what it is that makes that happen for each one.

Maybe it’s a perspective thing. Maybe the person who is doing things the easy way or shortcut thinks that it’s the long way. It’s possible I guess.

And maybe some just stumble onto a road and like the way it looks and so they just randomly follow it and end up in a place that just wow’s them.

writing

Not an entry

Well I don’t know about this whole thing. Just rethinking life and everything. Not sure what I want to do. I do know I am not happy. I think that if you aren’t happy then you are in charge of changing that until you get happy. Just don’t know how to do that anymore.

I stopped doing everything that I liked to do. And now I can’t get myself to want to do any of those things anymore. I stopped talking to people. I only talk to people when they want or need something. And really I hate living by emotions – but when you feel so bad that you can’t do anything different then how do you not live by emotions?

I am lonely. But yet being around anyone angers me. And really I don’t think anyone even cares. If they don’t need or want something from me then I don’t hear from anyone. How does this help to make anyone feel like they are valuable? And yeah I get it – it’s not anyone else’s responsibility of how I feel and think about myself. I think it makes me mad because I know that I am valuable and worthy of friendship but didn’t realize I had friends that actually don’t care that I feel this way.  I don’t think friendship should be about whether or not it’s someone else’s responsibility to lift up another. I always felt that friends helped each other and took the time to say “I care” so for me to find myself with people that don’t feel like they should reach out now and then really hurts. I think it hurts more that I thought they cared and obviously was a bad judge of character.

We surround ourselves  by people we respect. I don’t know who changed – me or them. I would first look to myself probably. Did I change so much that I actually can’t respect someone that isn’t caring? That isn’t real? I thought that these people were real but obviously I was wrong.

And I think that the demands of the past 5-6 years have been so much that it has changed me for the worse and for the better. I value very small things now – very small details matter to me. And to others – they see it all as no big deal.

I think that’s probably what has changed and has depressed me because now when I need people – no one is there. And I am alone. The one thing worse than being alone? Is having people around you and yet feeling as though there is no one.

writing

It will either work out, or it won’t.

Definitely not going to do the same thing again cause it’s not getting any different results. There’s no point in going in circles waiting to see something different, waiting on something new to be in the picture. If you do something over and over again and the results never change, you are wasting your time and being an idiot.

Of course, in this line of thinking there is a risk of becoming indifferent to results and indifferent to anything that happens and I don’t want to do that either. I have come to far in life to turn that way.

Above all else, I will be extremely vague in a social setting such as this but yet blunt on a true one-on-one basis. It’s not that the vagueness is not truthful, but a protective barrier that allows me to vent and yet keeps details out of public.

It will either work or it won’t. It’s a life motto I have come to think about. Try your hardest but understand that it will either work or it won’t. No need to freak out about it or try to make it happen. It either will or won’t. Plain and simple. Maybe it’s a bit of an assholish approach to things but I tend to think it’s more along the lines of someone who is both pessimistic and realistic.

It’s not that I do not expect good things and strive for them. It’s that I am comfortable enough to understand that what is going to happen is going to happen. Somethings you can’t change and some you can. A lot of times an outcome can change on a whim by a word or a single action. And that is hard to know in advance what that might be because people are different. People read things and understand things differently.

And that is what trusting the gut is for. Because if the gut tells you that something is not right, it’s usually because something is not right. If it tells you that something is off, usually it is. Those red flags of life. Sometimes though paranoia can self-sabotage everything.

Tricky life. And maybe somehow I lost the ability to believe. Not sure.

So it will either work out or it won’t.

writing

Take time….

It was 2:30 a.m. when I got a call from my brother Bee. He asked me if I was already sleeping and I said no, I had just laid down. He said well Rob has been in a really bad accident and he’s at the hospital and it’s pretty bad. He said I am going to get mom and you can get Mandy. I said I don’t know where they live but Boo does if you can get her to then I’ll get to the hospital so he won’t be alone. Okay.

So when I got to the hospital, they sent me back to his room. And there he was in a gnarled up mess. Arms broken, legs broken, both feet crushed, sternum broken, both clavicles broken, shoulder out of place, hip broken, feet broken, ribs broken. On oxygen with a collapsed lung so he had to have a chest tube put in. He was awake and talking and alert.

I talked to him for a bit and then they had me go to the waiting room so they could sedate him and try to set his bones. The nurse came and got me and took me out to smoke and explain to me what all had happened to him and how he was. With the collapsed lung that made it all more difficult for him.

And to boot? Someone that was with him didn’t survive the accident. Either his best friend or the girl that his best friend was trying to get to know. And no one knew which.

Apparently the two had picked her up and went for a ride. Only problem was the truck wouldn’t stop. No brakes. They went off the end of the road into a ravine burying the truck three feet into the ground.

Here is my little brother in the bed, talking to me, telling me that he’s okay and he’s ready to go home.

I’m like uh, I don’t think that’s going to happen yet.

It was a while before the other family made it to the hospital. The nurse said she’d try to find out who was airlifted and who didn’t make it. She told me that he is a fighter because she didn’t think he was going to pull through when they brought him in.

They couldn’t set his hip so they decided to transfer him to another local hospital to see if they could do it. Off we went. About 3 hours later, they said they couldn’t do it and decided to send him to a much larger trauma center in the city.

I sat with him there while they came in and tried to get him more stable. The broken hip had now become life threatening and surgery was emergent.

And that’s when he thought he was going to die.

He said he was sorry for how he had been in the past and didn’t ever want to be the same again. Everyone came and encouraged him that he would make it through even though we had no idea if he would. He didn’t want anyone to leave while he was in surgery. Understandable. They said they were going to put him on the ventilator due to the circumstances of his injuries and because the surgery to fix everything was going to be at least 11 hours long. The lung wasn’t doing well and they were concerned that with it being collapsed that he would have a hard time making it through the surgery.

I love my little brother to pieces and seeing him the way he was really broke my heart. I can’t imagine the pain of having so many broken bones. And here he was all tough and though in extreme pain, he was making it through.

They took him into surgery around 1 o’clock. Told us that he’d be out around 10 or 11 p.m.
Most of us ran home to shower and nap and his wife stayed at the hospital. The whole time she badmouthed him for getting hurt so badly but she still stayed with him.

We were all there when he woke up. All six of his brothers and sisters. Well – one wasn’t because she didn’t want to come back to the hospital, but the rest of us were there. He had made it through the first 48 hours. They took him off the vent. By the next day, they took the chest tube out. Therapy came and began doing things with him to help. Respiratory therapy came and help him with his breathing and lungs.

And surprise! Within 8 days, they said he could go home.

Problem? No ramp at his house to get in. Well that’s doable – we’ll build you one.

Not going to matter. Why? Because his best friend was killed in the accident. He didn’t know yet. The nurse told me that it was the girl who was med-flighted to the hospital and the male died at the scene. We got confirmation but decided to wait til after the next surgery to tell him so he’d still have the motivation to fight. He kept asking if we heard anything about his friend and we just said we hadn’t heard yet.

I began to feel like we should tell him since it had been 2 days and the next surgery had gotten push away because he had a hemorrhage and needed a blood transfusion but his wife insisted that we continue to wait a little longer. So when I came back in from the cafeteria that day – his wife opened the door saying, he just blurted out that he killed his friend and told him he was a murderer and now he doesn’t want to live anymore.

One of their mutual friends Joe was angry and came up and told Rob that he killed Randall in the crash. He also told him that the family was very angry.

So guess what? On the day that he was going to get to go home – my other brother calls and says he can’t go to his house so the only place to bring him to is your house. Why? Because all of the family that lives out there is upset and threatening to kill my little brother.

So, he came home to live with me.

Being in the medical field for over 20 years, I have experience with dealing with people who can’t use their arms or legs. But 24-hour care is something I am not used to. And I don’t think I’m cut out for it.

It’s been a month now since the accident. He is still here with me. He’s had five surgeries so far. Is in a wheelchair still. Has some use of his arms but that’s about it. There are small victories like getting the shower for the first time. Pooping on the potty in the bathroom instead of the port a-potty. Eating with spoon and fork without help.

All of this past month just really makes me think about life. Things can change so fast in a blink of an eye. Here’s a guy who was constantly going, doing for everyone, doing everything. The one I ride motorcycles and dune buggies with. And now he does good to wheel himself outside. It’s heartbreaking.

Take time to enjoy life people. Everything – good and bad. Cause you don’t know when it’s going to change. No matter how bad things are – it can always be worse. Love every moment of every day even if it sucks. And love your friends and family. Cause as I sat there and saw how broken he was – I really worried that those would be our last moments together and I am so thankful that they were not. Just take time to live and love.

It’s going to be probably January or February before we can start the process of learning to walk again. In the meantime, they got kicked out of there house. So we are trying to find them a new place. It was illegal for them to be evicted the way they were – but no one wants to fight against it so it is what it is.

Life happens when you aren’t looking and it happens fast.

Savor every single moment. It wasn’t even my accident and its changed my life forever and how I think.

Take time.

Thanks for reading. I’ll keep updating and hopefully have some good progressive news soon.