Heartache and spring fever…..

I really can’t wait for spring to hurry up and spring. I’m ready to for warmth and shorts and sundresses and time in the woods and at the lake. I want sandals and flip-flops and barefoot in the dirt and grass. I want to walk outside and smell the sunshine and feel it’s warmth. I want longer hours of daylight. I want fireflies. I want camping with marshmallows and time to view the stars without freezing. I want lazy afternoons on a blanket under a shade tree with cool lemonade, headphones and music. I want to get caught in the rain and it be an amazing time. I want to go fishing. Swimming. And most of all – to be outside.

I’m ready to travel again for a bit. Give me a month and it will happen and I’ll send posts from my adventures.

Winter just reminds me of the same old thing over and over again. And it’s cold. And everything dies in order to restart in the spring. It’s like the earth is sleeping or hibernating until the warmth comes around and wakes it up again. And despite all of it’s glorious beauty, it’s not my favorite season.

It’s funny how much we can change in a year. It’s funny how we can be close to people at the beginning and so far away as though acquaintances near the end. I still haven’t decided what I have learned the most. I had a great run in learning some great glitch art. Had a few nameless people who decided to befriend me and then turn on me and make most everyone else turn against me as well. But the one person that I didn’t think would ever do that, did also, without explanation or even acknowledgment too. I guess I should have seen that coming.

It’s funny how people say that when others do this, you should just forget them and move on, do what you like. I think maybe what I’ve learned the most from 2015 is I’m a caring person and I don’t take friendships or anything else lightly. I’m an intense person and I like that about me. I don’t see it necessarily as intense in a bad way – but as loyalty. I’d never ever do to anyone what these people have done to me and especially if I was really close to someone for a long time. At least not without an explanation of sorts. So, just move on, isn’t something that I can do on that note, on the others, sure. Because what made me like doing what I was doing, was that person was a part of it, got me into it, and supported me through it. And now, a rare short conversation. I happily stopped caring about the others who hurt me, but I just can’t seem to shake this.

Heartache comes in many forms I guess. And I guess it’s never safe to think someone is loyal and wants the same from you as you do from them. I just don’t understand how you can be a certain way for years and then instantly turn it off as though it was nothing.

Maybe that’s why this winter has been so hard for me. And maybe why I am so ready for spring time.






Just love

The world is made up of so many different people with so many different personalities and characteristics. I believe that who we hang around with, what we watch, what we read, what we listen to, all ends up bringing each of us to a conclusion of who we become. We take different things from different people onto ourselves and integrate it.

You can say that you don’t do this and you are your own person, but that would not be true even though that in itself does not mean that you aren’t your own person. It just means that everyone learns a behavior, be it good or bad, from someone else. Conclusions about different circumstances and experiences and perceptions create each of us into who we are.

And yes, it’s even true of Christians. I always hear this from other Christian people that the word of God defines who they are – and this is true. But it is also true that no matter who you are, and no matter what station you are, what your social status is, how holy you are in your own eyes, or even how much you pray – other people influence you in some way or another, whether it be good or bad. Bad company can pull you into becoming the same, just as good can. That’s why we don’t want our kids to hang out with the wrong crowd.

If it wasn’t so, then sin would have never entered the world to begin with. And even if you were alone in a room your whole entire life and never had contact with any other person – well first off you’d die early cause we need other people. It’s not good to be alone. In the beginning there was one but God was with him fully and completely without separation until woman was made. So no man has ever really been “alone”. There’s always been someone else. Always.

And for those of you who are already saying I don’t believe that sin is real. You do too. Because you believe that lying, cheating, stealing, and killing are wrong and you don’t do those things – so guess what – you know they are real. And for those who say it’s all fairy tales – well you weren’t there so how do you know that what you believe isn’t a tale of some sort?

There are some who say I can hang around anyone I want. I am strong enough to not fall into the same ways. Each day I see those same people doing the same things and they can’t even see it. If you think you can’t be deceived, you already are friend. If you truly believe your bible – you will understand where it says none are righteous. Not even one. I know – I hear it all the time yes but we are made perfect through Jesus. Yes. But you still have flesh and you still fail daily. The only thing that separates anyone from anyone else is accepting grace. That’s it.

A liar is no different than a murderer in God’s eyes. It’s only in our eyes that we categorize these things into something big or small. No offense is greater than another.

For every sentence I have written here – I know that there are 1000 people who can find something wrong with every single sentence. Something that offends them. Violates their truth or belief. Makes them feel as though I have been dishonorable to them or their belief system. I don’t have that agenda at all. It’s just called bringing something to light that most try to hide.

And that is my own complaint.

Because that’s not love. Love everyone as you love yourself. It doesn’t mean you can’t have your opinion or belief or system or whatever. You can even tell me all about it. I can agree or disagree. Only love remains. The greatest conqueror because it is the foundation of life and the only reason anything that was ever created was created. In all the ugliness, in all the flaws, the good, the bad, the wrong crowd, the right crowd, the believer the nonbeliever.

Just love.

And if you are Christian, remember that God loves you AND knows every single thought you have ever had even when you turn out the light and sleep or just whisper it to your husband or wife thinking no one will ever know.

No one is better than anyone else.

We can’t be like a zoo. Where we put different people with different beliefs in different cages and say don’t come over here. You eat this. You eat that. Ew, I can’t associate with you cause of this.

Cause guess what? We are all connected like it or not.

Just love. The rest will fall into place.

If you are Christian and you love God – go back to the book and read the greatest commandment was to love. You do it through grace. Just how he loves you and the only way that he could love you. And that is the only way anyone can ever feel His love. It’s not up to anyone to convert anyone.


Love. You are a messenger. Carry it. Deliver it. And go on.

That’s it. A noun and a verb.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to make an entry today.

I got up early and had coffee. Well it was just one 20 ounce cup with vanilla caramel cream. Enough to get me going and not make my heart rupture.

I went to work for three hours seemed a lot better to do during the morning hours rather than the afternoon because when I was done, I was done for the day.

Mom took all of her morning and night pills all at the same time. She texted me to call her. Then 12 minutes later she said I took the wrong meds call me…then she texted me again and said I took them all at once. She thought it had been an hour but it had been 12 minutes. She’s okay. I had her nurse call her though just to be sure. Then she said she was coming over.

She and dad came over. I bought a relay switch for my fan motor in my car. It still didn’t make it work. Everything is leaking. And it doesn’t like to start. I forgot what it was like to ride in the truck with dad driving. He’s over cautious – good driver still at 74, but over cautious. He cuts through parking lots to avoid traffic and scared me once by driving in the turning lane which is dangerous and a no-no cause it’s a turning lane.

I played a zoo game for 4 hours. I need a scientist but it costs 1 million dollars. Such a dilemma. Maybe I should sell some trained chimpanzees.

I ate a sonic double bacon cheeseburger. It was so good.

See why I didn’t want to make an entry today? Nothing really to write about. Maybe next Thursday I will have more to say.

Have a great day!



everything and nothing

I missed my post yesterday. I don’t really have much to say this week. I’ve just really been feeling out of it lately and haven’t been able to talk to anyone that I normally talk to, not for lack of effort though.

It would seem that “stress” makes certain people unable to talk to others. And I get that because I do the same thing when I am stressed. I talk to who I want to when I want to and if I don’t feel like it then tough.

But it has been found out that said person has been doing everything else normally with everyone else and just shut me out. I am not sure how to take that. In fact, said person is even dating someone else. And apparently has been for a few years now and when asked about it brushes it off as my imagination.

Said person doesn’t realize that people talk.

A lot

And when said person doesn’t talk – that says everything I need to to know.


Out of the darkness….

I’m really sick of fake people. People that go out of their way to pretend to be someone they aren’t. They are one way to your face, or when they want something or it suits them, then instantly a different person when they get it. Or they are one way to certain people and different to others. Or they assume they know something about someone and take that to be truth just because they have a “hunch” that it’s true even after they question it.

I’ve had people actually tell me that you have to have different personalities around different people. Like parents. You are one way around parents but a different way around friends. And while I can see that and have been that way in the past – it really makes me wonder about people in general.

I realize there is a time and a place for everything. But if you are going to be who you are, shouldn’t you be that way at all times? There isn’t anyone now in my life who doesn’t know the real me. 2015 I spent a lot of time thinking about this and decided to try it out and be who I really am to everyone. I have no secrets with anyone. I am not a certain way with some and a certain way with others.

My life as a child consisted of secrets and I will not play a part in secrets in my life now. If something is hidden in the dark – I will shine a light on it. I don’t play the hide and seek game with life. I don’t kiss butt  or use flattery to get on anyone’s good side. Life’s too short to do that.

I own up to my shortcomings and my failures as well as my best attributes and characteristics. That does not mean that I don’t seek to change parts of myself if they are unhealthy though. Because I know even if I try to make something about myself a secret – eventually it will come out. I try to live in truth, speak the truth, and just be me.

I refuse to put on act anymore because its an act. It’s not real. And the world needs more real people. And in 2015 when I let myself be myself completely – a lot opened up. I saw that people could relate to me because there are so many people that are like me that are just afraid of what society thinks. Society has dictated a normal and swept the proverbial “elephant under the rug” of how life really is.

That is going to start getting tangled up with peoples values and morals to a degree I suppose. We each have our own. And perhaps that is why so many people push so much into the dark corners and behind the curtains where it’s not visible. My 2016 will focus on allowing others to realize they don’t need a curtain with me or a dark corner. That they too can be who they are completely. I hope that if this is you, you realize that who you are, from all the terrible things to all the great things – that is what makes you YOU. That is what makes YOU a beautiful gift to those around you.

Embrace you. And love YOU no matter who doesn’t like you or who does. Change what you want to change. You can’t get up without making an effort to get up.