Promise….

I promise I am not going to love you. Not even when you look at me with those soft brown eyes and that tender smile. Not even when you make sure I have coffee before I head off to work.

I won’t love you when you touch me the way that you do. Or when you bring me close and just linger there. Or when you whisper to me sweet things. I won’t.

I won’t love you when you encourage me to be healthy and eat. Or when you help me figure something out that I have struggled with. It’s not going to happen.

I won’t love you when you rush to see me so happily and kiss me on the cheek and then run away. Even though it’s cute and makes me laugh, I won’t fall for it.

I won’t love you when you teach me to think outside of myself. When you bring me to a point that I can view things differently and I learn something from it. Forget about it.

I won’t love you when you make me want to scream at you. Even if I realize that you are right. I can’t do it.

I won’t love you when you are sleeping and you just touch me for a minute, patting me softly to let me know you are there before you roll over. This can’t be real.

I won’t love you when I wake up next to you and watch you sleep peacefully. Or when I listen to you breathing softly and deeply and so relaxed.

I promise I won’t. It’s not going to happen. I won’t fall for it. Forget about it. This can’t be real.

Shit. Maybe it already happened.
Another broken promise.
Figures.

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Sometimes

Sometimes I think about him. When I’m doing art that we used to do together. Or when I’m taking a walk in the woods that we used to explore together. Or when I see a commercial that would make him shake his head. Or when I’m camping. Or when I’m driving. Or when I’m drinking coffee on the porch. Or when I’m eating hot salsa. Or when I pop popcorn. Or when I watch Discovery channel. Or when I garden. Or when I shower. Or when I lay down to sleep. Or when I wake up. 

It’s only sometimes.