It will either work out, or it won’t.

Definitely not going to do the same thing again cause it’s not getting any different results. There’s no point in going in circles waiting to see something different, waiting on something new to be in the picture. If you do something over and over again and the results never change, you are wasting your time and being an idiot.

Of course, in this line of thinking there is a risk of becoming indifferent to results and indifferent to anything that happens and I don’t want to do that either. I have come to far in life to turn that way.

Above all else, I will be extremely vague in a social setting such as this but yet blunt on a true one-on-one basis. It’s not that the vagueness is not truthful, but a protective barrier that allows me to vent and yet keeps details out of public.

It will either work or it won’t. It’s a life motto I have come to think about. Try your hardest but understand that it will either work or it won’t. No need to freak out about it or try to make it happen. It either will or won’t. Plain and simple. Maybe it’s a bit of an assholish approach to things but I tend to think it’s more along the lines of someone who is both pessimistic and realistic.

It’s not that I do not expect good things and strive for them. It’s that I am comfortable enough to understand that what is going to happen is going to happen. Somethings you can’t change and some you can. A lot of times an outcome can change on a whim by a word or a single action. And that is hard to know in advance what that might be because people are different. People read things and understand things differently.

And that is what trusting the gut is for. Because if the gut tells you that something is not right, it’s usually because something is not right. If it tells you that something is off, usually it is. Those red flags of life. Sometimes though paranoia can self-sabotage everything.

Tricky life. And maybe somehow I lost the ability to believe. Not sure.

So it will either work out or it won’t.

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Take time….

It was 2:30 a.m. when I got a call from my brother Bee. He asked me if I was already sleeping and I said no, I had just laid down. He said well Rob has been in a really bad accident and he’s at the hospital and it’s pretty bad. He said I am going to get mom and you can get Mandy. I said I don’t know where they live but Boo does if you can get her to then I’ll get to the hospital so he won’t be alone. Okay.

So when I got to the hospital, they sent me back to his room. And there he was in a gnarled up mess. Arms broken, legs broken, both feet crushed, sternum broken, both clavicles broken, shoulder out of place, hip broken, feet broken, ribs broken. On oxygen with a collapsed lung so he had to have a chest tube put in. He was awake and talking and alert.

I talked to him for a bit and then they had me go to the waiting room so they could sedate him and try to set his bones. The nurse came and got me and took me out to smoke and explain to me what all had happened to him and how he was. With the collapsed lung that made it all more difficult for him.

And to boot? Someone that was with him didn’t survive the accident. Either his best friend or the girl that his best friend was trying to get to know. And no one knew which.

Apparently the two had picked her up and went for a ride. Only problem was the truck wouldn’t stop. No brakes. They went off the end of the road into a ravine burying the truck three feet into the ground.

Here is my little brother in the bed, talking to me, telling me that he’s okay and he’s ready to go home.

I’m like uh, I don’t think that’s going to happen yet.

It was a while before the other family made it to the hospital. The nurse said she’d try to find out who was airlifted and who didn’t make it. She told me that he is a fighter because she didn’t think he was going to pull through when they brought him in.

They couldn’t set his hip so they decided to transfer him to another local hospital to see if they could do it. Off we went. About 3 hours later, they said they couldn’t do it and decided to send him to a much larger trauma center in the city.

I sat with him there while they came in and tried to get him more stable. The broken hip had now become life threatening and surgery was emergent.

And that’s when he thought he was going to die.

He said he was sorry for how he had been in the past and didn’t ever want to be the same again. Everyone came and encouraged him that he would make it through even though we had no idea if he would. He didn’t want anyone to leave while he was in surgery. Understandable. They said they were going to put him on the ventilator due to the circumstances of his injuries and because the surgery to fix everything was going to be at least 11 hours long. The lung wasn’t doing well and they were concerned that with it being collapsed that he would have a hard time making it through the surgery.

I love my little brother to pieces and seeing him the way he was really broke my heart. I can’t imagine the pain of having so many broken bones. And here he was all tough and though in extreme pain, he was making it through.

They took him into surgery around 1 o’clock. Told us that he’d be out around 10 or 11 p.m.
Most of us ran home to shower and nap and his wife stayed at the hospital. The whole time she badmouthed him for getting hurt so badly but she still stayed with him.

We were all there when he woke up. All six of his brothers and sisters. Well – one wasn’t because she didn’t want to come back to the hospital, but the rest of us were there. He had made it through the first 48 hours. They took him off the vent. By the next day, they took the chest tube out. Therapy came and began doing things with him to help. Respiratory therapy came and help him with his breathing and lungs.

And surprise! Within 8 days, they said he could go home.

Problem? No ramp at his house to get in. Well that’s doable – we’ll build you one.

Not going to matter. Why? Because his best friend was killed in the accident. He didn’t know yet. The nurse told me that it was the girl who was med-flighted to the hospital and the male died at the scene. We got confirmation but decided to wait til after the next surgery to tell him so he’d still have the motivation to fight. He kept asking if we heard anything about his friend and we just said we hadn’t heard yet.

I began to feel like we should tell him since it had been 2 days and the next surgery had gotten push away because he had a hemorrhage and needed a blood transfusion but his wife insisted that we continue to wait a little longer. So when I came back in from the cafeteria that day – his wife opened the door saying, he just blurted out that he killed his friend and told him he was a murderer and now he doesn’t want to live anymore.

One of their mutual friends Joe was angry and came up and told Rob that he killed Randall in the crash. He also told him that the family was very angry.

So guess what? On the day that he was going to get to go home – my other brother calls and says he can’t go to his house so the only place to bring him to is your house. Why? Because all of the family that lives out there is upset and threatening to kill my little brother.

So, he came home to live with me.

Being in the medical field for over 20 years, I have experience with dealing with people who can’t use their arms or legs. But 24-hour care is something I am not used to. And I don’t think I’m cut out for it.

It’s been a month now since the accident. He is still here with me. He’s had five surgeries so far. Is in a wheelchair still. Has some use of his arms but that’s about it. There are small victories like getting the shower for the first time. Pooping on the potty in the bathroom instead of the port a-potty. Eating with spoon and fork without help.

All of this past month just really makes me think about life. Things can change so fast in a blink of an eye. Here’s a guy who was constantly going, doing for everyone, doing everything. The one I ride motorcycles and dune buggies with. And now he does good to wheel himself outside. It’s heartbreaking.

Take time to enjoy life people. Everything – good and bad. Cause you don’t know when it’s going to change. No matter how bad things are – it can always be worse. Love every moment of every day even if it sucks. And love your friends and family. Cause as I sat there and saw how broken he was – I really worried that those would be our last moments together and I am so thankful that they were not. Just take time to live and love.

It’s going to be probably January or February before we can start the process of learning to walk again. In the meantime, they got kicked out of there house. So we are trying to find them a new place. It was illegal for them to be evicted the way they were – but no one wants to fight against it so it is what it is.

Life happens when you aren’t looking and it happens fast.

Savor every single moment. It wasn’t even my accident and its changed my life forever and how I think.

Take time.

Thanks for reading. I’ll keep updating and hopefully have some good progressive news soon.

 

Promise….

I promise I am not going to love you. Not even when you look at me with those soft brown eyes and that tender smile. Not even when you make sure I have coffee before I head off to work.

I won’t love you when you touch me the way that you do. Or when you bring me close and just linger there. Or when you whisper to me sweet things. I won’t.

I won’t love you when you encourage me to be healthy and eat. Or when you help me figure something out that I have struggled with. It’s not going to happen.

I won’t love you when you rush to see me so happily and kiss me on the cheek and then run away. Even though it’s cute and makes me laugh, I won’t fall for it.

I won’t love you when you teach me to think outside of myself. When you bring me to a point that I can view things differently and I learn something from it. Forget about it.

I won’t love you when you make me want to scream at you. Even if I realize that you are right. I can’t do it.

I won’t love you when you are sleeping and you just touch me for a minute, patting me softly to let me know you are there before you roll over. This can’t be real.

I won’t love you when I wake up next to you and watch you sleep peacefully. Or when I listen to you breathing softly and deeply and so relaxed.

I promise I won’t. It’s not going to happen. I won’t fall for it. Forget about it. This can’t be real.

Shit. Maybe it already happened.
Another broken promise.
Figures.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about him. When I’m doing art that we used to do together. Or when I’m taking a walk in the woods that we used to explore together. Or when I see a commercial that would make him shake his head. Or when I’m camping. Or when I’m driving. Or when I’m drinking coffee on the porch. Or when I’m eating hot salsa. Or when I pop popcorn. Or when I watch Discovery channel. Or when I garden. Or when I shower. Or when I lay down to sleep. Or when I wake up. 

It’s only sometimes.

I will never be…

I will never be someone I am not. No matter whether I try to. I will always be the girl that
sees the good and beauty in everyone. Even the flaws. I will always be the girl who sees people as people. With compassion and love. I will always be the honest, loving, sometimes ornery one who can turn any situation into something to learn from.

I will never be one to take revenge even if someone hurts me badly. I will love them even through it all. That doesn’t mean that I won’t cry. It doesn’t mean that part of me won’t be broken.

It just means that I can love. It means that I have learned to put others before myself.

It means that I can see that though someone hurts me, rejects me, or wants to make me miserable – that I can see past that. It doesn’t mean that I will stand and allow it to continue. It means that I can forgive. It doesn’t mean that I invite it to my life. It means that I allow others to be themselves – including being ugly.

We all have an ugly part. We choose whether or not people see it. We hide behind our fake smiles. Or we isolate and keep it a secret.

But we can never be who we are not. We can only be who we are. We can only embrace ourselves as who we are and eventually, hopefully, come out on the other side having learned something from it.

like it was…

Intentional thoughts
unreasonable outcomes
the manifestation of beauty rests in
quietness.

search deeply inside
don’t run from the encounters
the mess that is that was and will be
whether or not you try to change it.

oblivious like dementia
where did everything go?
did it happen or was it just a dream
made up in order to make it through

unanswered as always
time is never still
and everything that was will never be
anything like it was.

Released…

Release me from myself
I am entangled

In a massive mess of flesh
Evaporating in a pool of foolishness
Yet somehow, I have awakened
The light now shining to the inside
The reality can no longer hide
The brutality coming to a head
Bursting forth; rising from the dead,
Breaking through what was not
Coming out yet still so alone
Yet not alone but completely whole
Body, mind, Spirit and soul
Where before I was tied up,
On the verge of being dried up,
Yet Someone has awakened me and
I am released.

Chaotic peace…

I am sitting here thinking of this sick addiction
that I seem to have for creating friction
I have this need to just sit and create something out of nothing
a need to make something work that has no business of being together
something that doesn’t belong in the setting that it is placed
someone said that it didn’t belong, that it wouldn’t fit,
someone else defined the limits of what should be and shouldn’t.
Who are they to say what is and what isn’t?
Who are they to tell me what should and shouldn’t be and why do I listen?
And yet again, who am I to think that what they say doesn’t matter?
why should I continue to sit and wonder why I am sitting alone,
without a voice
when I have a choice that would make a difference
if only I spoke up. How effective is silence in this world?If bitterness were something that you tasted, I would have the market on it.
If the nasty, burning bile that rises from deep within your stomach came whenever it needed to, would I turn into a pile of heaping bitterness?

Actually, I don’t think that I would.

I don’t see myself as bitter as what I sound like to be.
Other people do not see me as bitter either – or are they close enough to taste what I see and feel?
Am I really showing what is truly inside or is it all a front to show people what they want to see?
Do they really look now that the walls of me are coming down?
Now that the real insides are being exposed?
Now that the true pain of it all is staring at them undauntingly?
Or will they look away and run… Pretend that they see nothing.
Pretend that all is wonderful in their houses made of glass.
Pretend that nothing really bothers them, that all is well and good.
And reality check – do I care?
I do care. But it’s different now.
I don’t care if they see me hurting. I don’t care if they see the pain.
I don’t care if they see that I am just like them as long as they see what has truly changed me; what makes me different from the others…what makes me into me.
I might have bitterness that comes creeping at times and other times saturates me.
I might be the essence of a nasty bile that courses through your system making you think twice about what you will do next, what you will say and who you will say it to, but at least I make you feel.
I make you want to change.
I make your stomach surge and make your thoughts want to purge your system free of all the toxic poisons that come through you.
I make you want to be freed from the insanity of being sane.
We are allowed to feel these thoughts of random chaos.
We are allowed to breakdown and cry and lash out periodically.
Without people like us where would people like you be?
Would you ever think of anyone who was hurting?
Would you ever actually allow change to happen in your life?
Why would you want to rest into a steady lull of mundaness?
Wouldn’t it be better to simply feel now and then?
To just be who you are and let God take all that you have and mold it into what he wants you to become?
And how does your view and opinions of me speak to you now?
Do you think I have lost my mind and that I have gone over the edge of reality?
I am sure I have. But – I am also held in the hand of Jesus.
Created by Him. Taken from His side. It is written, “we have the mind of Christ,”

Jesus offended many to help them to see that they too were blind, helpless, and bitter.
The only way to change is to see that a change is needed in the first place.
So when you taste the bitterness rising up within you, before it takes a root, take a breath and just cry.
Cry with all your might. Even the angels cried out to Jesus.
Let your entire system be purged of all thoughts of hatefulness and strife.
And when your done say Jesus, take this life.
Manifest within me what you have within You.

Doesn’t that make you take a breath of peace? It makes you stop.
That’s home.

You might say that I am sometimes a mad-dashing rush of chaotic wind trampling your thoughts, making you spin, creating friction where there is no place for it…
but in reality – through all of it – there is an anchor. I have chosen to hold onto the anchor. To be seated in heavenly places, to not be confined to situations or places, but to actually live and love even with all the loss that comes.

Peace has a price. The price actually sometimes is chaotic.