Five weeks.

Five weeks is a short time really – except for when you’ve lost someone you cared about.

Five weeks is a long time when you need to accept reality, when you wake up in the middle of the night because you dreamt you were talking to the person that you spent the last three and a half years building up a relationship with.

It’s a long time when you realize it will never ever be the same even if you were sitting in front of them.

Five weeks.

It’s not easy….

 

I’ve killed off the writer. The girl who was spiritual barely lives among us. The one who loved everyone, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, unlimited forgiveness, and just simply was sweet. Perhaps she isn’t completely dead. I see glimpses of her now and then. She’s a ghost that rambles through everything, sometimes offering her opinions, but quickly shut down by the other aspects that have seemingly taken her over to avoid getting hurt and all in the process – hurt her.

Ironic? Not sure completely. I just know that to address this is a big thing.

I let the girl who wanted to have fun live. I let the girl who wanted to branch out and be open live. Perhaps that is both good and bad…I kill them off one-by-one on a routine basis, never knowing what type of person I will be the next day.

And – it’s chaotic.

But I’m a girl. Not to stereotype or label myself or anyone else, don’t get me wrong. My point is that women change a lot. And that is perfectly fine and wonderful.  I am a woman and I embrace that I change constantly. To find people who love me as I change? Well, that’s a completely different story.

I am a lover. I am a fighter. I will and I won’t. I do and I don’t. I allow and I deny. 

The problem (not unlike many others) is that I get confused on when I should do each.

Maybe I am boring. Maybe I am not. And who knows where this all will lead.