And love….

I woke up today and read a post on a friend’s FB wall. It was a quote from Liam Neeson that reads:

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”

I don’t know about you but that truly makes me think. In fact, I’ve been thinking about it all day long. This year has been particularly hard and it’s a daily struggle to get myself into a decent mood. But I really do agree with this statement. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

And this is where it gets tricky.

Because I am not someone who seeks love from another person. I think that I have become rather cynical in that respect. Sure I’d love romance and to see stars and be with the one I love – but really – if it hasn’t happened in the past few years, why would I think it would now?

So that leaves me thinking maybe I AM focusing on the wrong part of this equation and getting it all jumbled. Love can come from many, many different sources I would think. But really I think that the main source of love has to be within yourself. That is where it all begins.

If you don’t love yourself enough to allow yourself to be okay with yourself where are you gonna get? Not very far. And wouldn’t it be great to  not reject yourself or lose yourself but instead just love?

It’s worth thinking about. Happy New Year everyone. Be safe. 🙂

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Christmas Eve….

Christmas Eve.

I guess this year I am not all that into the holiday festivities. Sure I like to eat and spend time with family but the reality of life in 2015 is that the holidays in general have become something different than it was once.

I remember when I was a kid, I LOVED all holidays and couldn’t wait for them! The chance to see family and eat a big dinner and just enjoy everything was everything to me. Even after I became an adult, I loved to decorate and go all out for every holiday celebration. It all really ended in 2009.

After so many years of every holiday turning into someone in the family fighting with someone else and just bringing drama, I finally said enough. I’m done celebrating. I was currently in a relationship and the whole 4th of July celebration turned into a big fight where I was berated and hurt. Its then that I said I wouldn’t do it anymore.

Talk about taking away some joy.

Maybe it’s because my mom has always been into holidays. They are special times. Though for her, they were times that she actually got to be with all of her children at once. I realize now, different for her than for me. Don’t get me wrong. I still show up at family functions and muddle my way through. But it’s not the same now.

Perhaps letting go of my joy for holidays and celebrations, put that part of me to sleep.

Maybe it’s my cynical nature that believes that society in general has put too much on people for holidays. I long for the old times when it was merely about being with people that you love and care about and celebrating.

To anyone reading though, Merry Christmas to you, I wish you a joyful heart.

Trust…..

I’m not very trusting. Sometimes I immediately jump to conclusions of what someone could be doing that’s shady and forget to think that maybe they are doing something just because they are thinking of me or actually want to. Chalk it up to how many times I have been trusting only to find out later that I shouldn’t have trusted or should have listened to my gut.

trust·ing
ˈtrəstiNG/
adjective
 
  1. showing or tending to have a belief in a person’s honesty or sincerity; not suspicious.
    “it is foolish to be too trusting of other people”

But honestly, would someone do anything that they really didn’t want to do just to “keep up the act“?

trust·wor·thy

ˈtrəs(t)ˌwərT͟Hē/
adjective
  1.  able to be relied on as honest or truthful.
  • “leave a spare key with a trustworthy neighbor”

I don’t play games. I don’t play with people’s minds or hearts.

I don’t think it’s MY responsibility to keep someone trustworthy either. I don’t think I need to be on my toes in order to catch someone doing something or catch them lying, etc. I think that responsibility to be a trustworthy person lies within each individual. That does not mean that there shouldn’t be consequences if a person is found untrustworthy.

I guess that could make me rather cynical on whether or not someone can be trusted or not.

It gets tricky when it’s someone you care about or love. Because we never want to believe that someone that we truly love and enjoy could possibly intentionally hurt us by being untrustworthy. And I don’t know how to work my way back to being someone who will trust those who are close to my heart.

I Hate Everything…

And today I hate everything.

I hate waking up.

I hate the sun.

I hate the sky.

I hate the trees.

I hate the cars and trucks.

I hate the driveway.

I hate time.

I hate the grass.

I hate the season.

I hate the cold.

I hate the warm.

I hate walking.

I hate running.

I hate moving in general.

I hate everything.

But I don’t hate you.

Fear vs. Faith

Sometimes fear is a monster hiding under my bed, waiting for the chance or opening to jump into my head. Once in it twists and turns, stabbing me like a knife. It’s been an unwelcome companion for what seems like my whole life. What can I do now to make it go away? There have been so many reasons for it to come and stay. And yet, I still fight it, day in and day out; wondering if its hold on me will one day give out.

I know the answer to my question even as I wait. The hope that rises in me and it’s name is Faith. Faith stands tall and straight with his head held up high, faith is not afraid to look fear in the eye because he knows he is stronger than the little monster of fear. He knows that he’ll win the battle should fear dare to come near.

But like most everything in life, Faith only comes as a choice – for fear is instilled in everyone before we find our voice. Then we will awaken and find Faith by our side – the hope that he gives us comes in like the rushing tide, sweeping away all the traces we’ve held on to for years. Faith has caused the death now of all my fleshly fears.

NOTHING LEFT UNFINISHED

 

There’s nothing left to gain and yet so much is unfinished. How can it be that this happens? Where will it all end if only back at the beginning…

You know you leave so much unspoken, not realizing the wind carries even the unspoken to those that are listening, those you thought had a deaf ear, instead they are the ones that have more insight than even you.

Where do we go from here, where is the road that leads to the final chapter, the page that will turn and lead us into another time, is it there and can we find it?

Take me to a deeper level, let’s tour the rich lands that lay hidden beyond the trees, where the sun shines and you dance your own dance. Where the trees reach for the sky without thought of falling to the ground, branches that create a shade for those beneath them…they aren’t in it for themselves, but for another. Teach me to find the things that open up dreams unimaginable and let me be a lover of you in ways that no one else has.

As clear as the sky we see the water’s reflection turn, the refreshing stillness wakens us yet is somewhat cold on our skin. Let’s get lost in the joy of tenderness that the water makes us feel as it envelops our body leaving nothing untouched.

And when we’ve made it to the other side, we’ll find a meadow and stand in the middle, smelling the air full of sunshine. Shall we lie down in the fields and let go of all the dreams we hold tightly to? Let us lie down and stare at each other knowing that though so much is left unfinished, there is time enough in the endless space of our hearts for the unspoken to be accomplished and to leave nothing unfinished.

WHAT LOVE IS TO ME….

I-love-you-because

What is love to me? I had to think about this for a while and my answer is long I guess. Of course, would I ever have an answer that was short? Nope.

  • Love is being yourself with another and knowing that they don’t fault you for it. When you can truly be the person you are when no one else is around – that is when you are truly you and truly loving. The greatest gift you can give anyone really is to be yourself. Anything else is denying them the beauty of who you are. 
  • Love is having a conversation, even if it turns into an argument, but knowing that in the end it’s going to turn into a deeper respect for the other person. How many times have you had someone speak the truth to you and it stings, but later you realize that they were really being a true friend and loved you enough to really speak truth in love. To love is to be truly honest and sometimes it causes a lot of pain at first.
  • Love is also taking the time to let others see you for who you really are and letting them take away from it what they need and not forcing it.
  • Love is a breaking down of yourself and letting yourself go with total abandon, passion and confidence in knowing that it’s okay to do that.
  • Love is little things in life too like sharing a smile. Small gestures, like the touch of a hand, a very small conversation, or even just a hello. You’d be surprised at how small things really are big things to some people.
  • Love is accepting others even when their beliefs are different from your own and letting them talk about their beliefs all they want without condemnation.
  • Love is taking the time to talk to someone when you see that they are in trouble – even if it is just to listen to what they have to say. Listening is one of the biggest ways to show someone that you care.
  • Love is sometimes saying nothing at all and cannot be confined to space or time.
  • Love is not clinging, but allowing freedom to be separate.
  • Love is being one with another, something that is hard to achieve, but possibly doable with commitment and taking time to really see.
  • Love involves mistakes, and perhaps regrets, but is something that will take a lifetime to learn.
  • Love is knowing all the ugly and good and not wavering.
  • Love is certainly not arrogant but yet holds itself in its own category; special and set apart, yet full embraceable by all who come near.
  • Love can be made simple or it can be made complex. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but even in its simplicity can be the most extravagant and costly thing you’ve ever taken a chance on.

I believe if you have love the rest will follow. Without loving yourself it is impossible to love another but it is allowing yourself to put someone else before you, giving up all selfishness. Without love you only have one thing left – death, for to love is to live. This is not speaking only of a lifetime partner you are with, but all of those in your life including yourself. Without love there would be fighting and hatred and depression everywhere and yet with love at times there can be the same.

So I guess to me, love is laughter and pain mixed into one and together they grow into something so beautiful it takes your breath away. We are all one big beautiful mess and that’s okay.

 

A ROSE WITH NO COLOR

 

There’s a rose with no color waiting to be painted.

It’s petals reflect the shade of the beauty it will be one day.

It lays in wait, not wondering of it’s future, not being more than it is.

The thorns are sharp and will prick the fingers that hold it.

The petals still hold a sweet fragrance that only a rose can have.

Hands reach out to pick it and quickly pull back for fear of being pricked.

Yet the rose knows no difference in it’s tender quiet beauty for one day a hand that does not mind the possibility of bleeding will pick it up and when this happens the color red from their hands will paint it’s petals.

The stem will take on the beautiful rich green, filled with life from someone who cared enough to touch the shaded rose even with it’s thorns.

Perhaps the beginning of something new?

Living in a dream filled paradise – that’s how I feel. As though it’s all a dream that I have yet to wake up from, nothing is as it seems. They say that if you can dream you can go far, yet sometimes I wonder where I am going and what I am doing dreaming the dreams I dream…yet I go on.

The nights are Iong and the days are longer and I don’t know what I am waiting for, do you? Sometimes I think that we expect that one day everything will stop as it is and magically turn into what we’ve always wanted, sometimes I think we are delusional.

Whatever happened to being satisfied? I’ll tell you – there is more than we have and to sit and never push forward seems just as a wrong or as “worse” greed that overtakes at times.

And how many tears have I cried over the things that should be and aren’t, and could be yet seem so farfetched…maybe you call it worrying or dwelling, but as hard as it is, our hearts dream and take us to places we wonder about.

Maybe not being satisfied is the beginning of finding something new and different and worth all the struggle and all the wait we go through.

So what if we sit and just imagine that all is what we want it to be…does it then make it that? Or is it a mere mask to cover up the hideous reality of it all. I’m not sure which is better to live in, reality or a dream. Both can smack you upside the head and take you down to depths of depression just as they can both take you higher.

Moonlit Embrace

 

Beautiful star spent skies. The night air so clean and crisp, yet warm enough to make your insides smile. The wind blowing through your hair, filling your senses with a brilliance beyond anything you could compare. The sounds of darkness covering just enough to leave a bit of a mystery, yet the moon spills its light softly balancing it all out. Such quiet peace sometimes can be found overflowing even in the middle of the chaotic mess this life brings.

The sky is two shades of liquid ink, running together much like two lovers in an embrace, intermingled until it seems as though they are one, but you can still see them as separate. You can take a walk in the thick “aloneness” that is there – but even so, somehow it does not feel as though you are alone but with someone, maybe if only in spirit as they walk under the same inked union.

The moonlights shadow is cast down and you see your silhouette as it seemingly dances even while you are standing still. A part of you and yet still separate. To think that even when you cannot see it, it is there waiting for the light to shine in the right direction to reveal its’ presence – it makes one feel less alone while watching the two dance in the night.

A shift in the wind brings a fragrance to your nose so sweet and alluring yet off somewhere hidden from the naked eye. What is this that you are drawn to? What is that makes you dart off into the night searching for the source? And if you find it, will it be what you thought it was, or something completely new and different from anything you’ve ever dreamt of? And most of all, is it worth searching for?

Steadily walking, keeping a slow pace as if to enjoy every step, never letting a moment pass that would be gone forever without the ability to retrieve, you are moving forward, stepping out of a time that once stood still. And something is different. Something has changed. There is something new that is lit in your eyes…something you haven’t even seen yourself, the only thing is figuring out what it is.

Breathe deeply, take it all in. The fragrance is intoxicating and you let your body go loose and begin to spin. Laughter emanates through the air and suddenly you realize that it is coming from you. Something you haven’t heard in so long, it seems as though you have come across a stranger but this time it is a stranger that you accept. No running this time. A full embrace of something never tasted before.

And the night’s walk has turned into something so much more. As the stars are seemingly motionless, watching and waiting on only you as you smile and hear you laugh because they know that you finally have enjoyed not a night alone, but a night united with yourself.

They shine brightly, almost winking at you in unison with the moon’s light, and somehow you know they are smiling back.

Loving yourself sometimes is like loving a stranger you’ve never met; it’s different, it’s hard to do, but when you do everyone benefits, even the moon and stars.